In this past Wedding Season 2009, the betrothed couples of most of the weddings I found myself at were either white American couples, whose families have been in the US for too many generations to count or matter and their self-identified ethnicities are some vague mixed concept of northwestern European ancestry (e.g. “Mostly German, but a lot of Irish, English. I think some Norwegian.”), or Asian-American couples, with the Asian couples I know being second or third generation, i.e., children or grandchildren of Asian immigrants. (The generation naming convention for immigrants is unhelpfully confusing, with some folks using the term “first generation” for the immigrant generation and others using “first generation” to describe the first children born to immigrants in the new homeland. Not even Wikipedia can arbiter definitely on the matter. I use “second generation” when referring to the children of immigrants.)
Having been raised in a mixed household myself (my mother is from Vietnam and my father self-identifies his ethnicity as some vague concept of northwestern European ancestry), I like to think I’m attuned to the subtle protocol differences between “standard” American weddings and children-or-grandchildren-of-Asian-immigrant weddings. The Asian-American weddings I’ve been to look and feel like textbook American weddings: the bride wears a long white dress, the ceremony/reception is at a church/resort/hotel/vineyard, the wedding parties wear matching getups and flank the bride/groom, there’s the best-man/maid-of-honor speech, dancing to a band/DJ. Etc. Visibly, there’s really no difference. The major difference isn’t in the trimmings and form, but in the universal behind-the-scenes wedding quid pro quo between the guests and the couple: the wedding gift. White American couples prefer gifts off a registry; the Asian-American couples I know prefer straight cash.
I did some light bragging earlier about being “attuned” to these cultural nuances, but the past two wedding seasons, I’ve gotten sloppy and inadvertently given a white couple cash and bought an Asian couple a gift off the registry. (Registries for Asian weddings tend to more sparse and I suspect afterthoughts.) Of course, my friends were grateful either way, but I couldn’t help wondering if the couples had deflated feelings of “Oh. Thanks.” I imagined the “Oh. Thanks.” from the white couple was “Really? You’re giving us cash for our wedding? What are you? Professor Gauche?” And the “Oh. Thanks.” from the Asian couple was more like “Oh. Thanks. Like I really needed those ice tongs from Crate & Barrel instead of a gift that could pay down our student loans and help us buy a house after we just spent mid-five-figures on this wedding.”
But why do my Asian-American friends prefer that one particular element of a traditional Asian wedding, but prefer all the other elements of The Traditional American Wedding? It’s not like they had a banquet in a Chinatown restaurant with traditional Chinese garb and the bride changing dresses three times during the course of the night, yet encouraged their guests to give them gifts from Pottery Barn instead of cash.
My theories:
- The pomp and circumstance of The Traditional American Wedding are very visible and thus more infectious to young children of immigrants as they piece together their own visions of their future wedding days from media images. The registry gift system is not as visible and makes less of an impression.
- I suspect what may be more important is that children of immigrants can often pick and choose from their parents’ cultures and the culture from their non-immigrant peers. A second-generation Chinese-American might speak no Chinese and wear jeans and t-shirts, but will still take his shoes off before entering his own house. He’s chosen to assimilate in a visible way, but retains a tradition that he feels is better (he believes it to be cleaner). And instead of the circuitous we’ll-tell-you-exactly-what-we-want-and-you-buy-it-for-us American wedding gift system, the cash is a superior system if you don’t have an emotional attachment to the registry system.

